Update

I am currently sitting in the hospital, in between my sleeping/recovering mom and the window.  I'm freezing cold.  The window gives me the view of the fresh snow that has just blanketed the North East.  In Albany, we are up to about 7inches.  A small amount for this area.  

I have not really enjoyed my time back home.  This trip was totally unexpected and unwanted.

The light of my world, my most favorite person in the world, my best friend ever passed away on Friday, November 21st.  My Grandma was the most amazing person in the world.  Always happy, always smiling, always with something funny to say.  I am reminded by many to be thankful that I was able to say goodbye to her, yet right now that is not comforting.  I was not ready to say goodbye.   I spent days at her bedside, watching her suffer, watching her rapidly deteriorating.  Not getting more than 1hr of sleep at a time because of the nursing staff that came in the room to take vitals, change the sheets, administer medicine.  I couldn't leave her though, I did not want her to be alone.  Death is not a pretty thing.  My grandma was more than a grandmother to me.  She was always my rock, in my crazy, uneven life.  A piece of me goes with her passing.  She was going to be 90 on Jan. 28. 

  

Now my mom is battling breast cancer, stage 2 so there is a high survival rate.  Again, I am reminded it could be worse, that breast cancer is 'one of the better cancer's to have.'  One must look on the bright side...I am constantly being beaten by my own positiveness.  She will be ok, nonetheless this still sucks.  This is just the beginning of her battle.  She is so positive though; a quality we inherited from my grandma.

I'm so thankful for the big family I have; their constant support.  I've now gotten in touch with friends from long ago.  Unfortunately, I feel that I have lost a friend or two along this rough road.    I am grateful for my gains, I cannot dwell on those losses.  Overall, I have never cried as much as I have in the past few weeks.  I hurt.  My heart hurts.  Nights are often sleepless because that is when I think of my grandma the most.  Sleeping in my childhood bed that my grandma would share with me when she stayed with us when we were young is the most painful.  She would always warm her feet up on me and call me 'a hot tamale.'      Everything I do reminds me of her.  She was such a huge huge part in my life.  

So many emotions right now, but over all complete sadness hovers over me. I know I will be ok, but right now this double whammy is still in process.  My grandmothers wishes were to be buried with her husband, in Arlington Cemetery.  She passed on Nov.21 and the earliest they could get her in was the 6th of Jan.  So, we wait.  At least I'll be able to spend the holidays with my family.  Thanksgiving was a rough one though.  I'm not looking forward to Christmas (my favorite holiday).

Lastly, I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers.  It's nice to know people care.  I I truly miss Mali, my friends and my life.  I am anxious to get back and get out of this unbearably cold, dreary weather!